I could remember always being the outcast, I was always chosen last in team sports, I hated going to school, I was always picked on, ridiculed and this shattered my confidence, broke my heart. By the age of eight years old I had little to no self worth left, my confidence was shattered and the darkness had entered my life. I remember sitting in maths class after being ridiculed all morning, I wanted the constant tormenting by my peers to end, so I decided to grab a pair of scissors and I cut my wrist. This was my first attempt of self harm, all I had done was give everyone more ammunition to use.

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As I grew older and older the darkness never left my side, I grew into a terrible depressive state and I immersed myself into trying to fit in, how wrong I was to even think about changing my morals and values to fit with society's norms. It wasnt until I went to boarding school to where I could start a new chapter. 

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I met an extremely talented and genuine human being that I eventually would call my brother, his name was Keanu. we lived together, laughed together and cried together. I had finally felt what it would have been like to have a a sibling a brother. Instead he become my BROTHER BY CHOICE.

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Fast forward to my work career , as many of you know I have worked in the FIFO and mining industry for the better part of 10 years . I grew accustomed to the kind of lifestyle that it can bring , not all of it pretty. I had an unhealthy fear of disappointing those around me so I became dependent on alcohol and drugs, so I pissed my money and my relationship at the time up the wall . So when my partner at the time was finally sick of me acting the way I was , she came to her senses and left me . I had the same abandonment and anxiety that I had felt every day of my life just hit gangbusters . 

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It didn’t take long for me to slip into old habits, I decided it was easy to bandied the true underlying issues, not listen to my inner child crying out for help, I got so use to finishing work and heading down the boozer to drink my Soros away. Let the alcohol mask my problems and use the social forum to act like I was okay. I was having a bad week, working alone, things weren’t going right at home and the darkness had come back. This time it was so over whelming I couldn’t get away from it. So the intruisive thoughts came into my life again, I Drank an entire carton trying to get away from the darkness, I ended up in my Donga, bed sheet around my neck and I was ready to jump off the side of the two strory donga, I couldn’t take it any more.

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Moments before I tried to end it all my phone rings, its my mum, shes got a gut feeling something is wrong, she new something wasn’t right. I broke down in tears, I felt like I was all alone and that was the only way out at the time. I found my self in and out of extremely toxic relationships, as this chaotic life style was normal. I then became a father to a beautiful baby boy, I knew it was time to sort all of my problems and issues but how could I do that? How could I make myself the person I need to be for him.

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Then rolled around 2020-2021. These years I found my darkest place in my soul. I had started experiencing the effects of the family court system, the parental alienation of a father. It was soul crushing and a heartbreak that I had never felt. I began to feel as if I was the monster I had been made out to be. I decided in that moment that the only way I was going to go was up, as I had hit rock bottom.

I began taking meditating and focusing on what my body was trying to tell me. I started to see that I wasn’t in a good place, that I had become an alcoholic. I had become a pharmaceutical addict to numb my senses rather than embracing them. I was on the up and up through all the pain and suffering until I got the phone call that fateful day saying that my brother, the first real friend that I had, had taken his own life. My world got turned upside down and the bottle and a packet of Phenergan was my friend. The days I would sit in the bath loaded until it was a literal fight to get out and not drown was my reality through that.

I took a hard look at myself in the mirror one of these days and decided for the last time, no Fucking excuses. “Is this what he would’ve wanted?." I began to most importantly be in tune and talk about my feelings and emotions openly as I had struggled my whole life. I cleaned my act up and was back to breathing workshops and back to meditating to clear my head, I started keeping a journal of how I felt and every thought poured out of my mind on the page. There was extremely grim words written, it was like someone else had taken control of my hand. I started to feel as though I had expressed myself and began to work through these thoughts and emotions. 

Today as I write this in my notes, I dedicated a life to booze and pills. Now I dedicate it to helping and understanding others. I never want the same feelings of loneliness, anxiety and depression to go unnoticed in someone else. If you’ve made it to the end of this, I am PROUD OF YOU. You have found a safe place to be vulnerable and together we can never be silent no longer