I had given up, I had lost all hope and purpose and didn't really know how to cope. I was testing my boundaries and just seeing how far I could push the limits. In my mind it was easier for others to hear something happened to me while partying over seas. I quickly developed a reputation for my self and Bali became my escape destination. I would smash out a a swing up north get on a plane land in Bali and properly send it sideways. Tattoos all day, Partying all night, I was drinking my life away quickly. Tattoos became my way to feel external pain, I got addicted to the self harm. I would go on a four day bender getting 10hrs of tattoos each day and then heading out all night drinking and partying. No matter how hard I sent it, how far I pushed my limits I always managed to some how come out the other side. Then the emotional rollercoaster of suppressed emotions would hit me again and put me further and further down the rabbit hole.

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Being unhealed was so dangerous to myself and the people around me, I was portraying my self in such a negative light. I lost so many of my old army mates, they couldn't believe what they were seeing. I went from a highly respected Soldier within the Battalion to this absolute ticking time bomb. My inner child was disgusted in my self, I had forgotten who I wanted to be and the values that separated me from everyone else. I was un recognisable, my physical appearance changed, my demeaner changed and I was so angry at the world.

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It wasn't until I had the police rock up to my house, issue me with a VRO. Take my guns off of me and I had my daughter taken away from me. I didn't see my daughter for 5 months, had to go through the entire family court process and went from having a stable relationship with her to having to under go supervised visits from a stranger.  The fear of losing my daughter forever and not being apart of her life was enough to really start making mature decisions, it was already to late the damage had been done. Been dealing with the family courts since July 2019 to actively be involved with my daughters life.

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Using low vibrational band aids like alcohol to mask how we are really feeling is so bad for our emotional state. I immediately set my self some goals and started to introduce new ways to manage my emotions. It was hard at first to let go, but letting go of old habits was the best thing for me. I raised my awareness, held my self accountable for the things I was doing and started to live by a new set of guide lines.

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I introduced the powerful technique of Journaling, writing my thoughts and slowly processing them. I quit drinking on site and made a conscious effort to actively head to the gym and exercise. During night shift I would go for a walk around camp and ground my self by being back in nature, then stuck in my donger wide awake.

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I Set my self a goal of having no more then four pints in a sitting, I was now consciously aware of the creature I would introduce back into my life. I was no longer in control of remaining calm and in control of my emotions my drunken alter ego George would come out and run a muck.

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I Adopted new ways of grounding and protecting my energy, breathing exercises, meditation, sitting in silence down the beach and watching sun sets. Learning to be comfortable in my own solitude became a normality. This process didn't happen over night, it took time and  a big conscious effort to learning to say No. I had to learn to remove my self from people and places that no longer aligned with the new direction I was heading.

 

I had to respecting the boundaries I was creating in my life. If something felt off, I learned to trust my intuition and cut all energetic ties with people. I wanted a life of drama free and Peace, it was easier to walk away then have to explain my self, my silence was more powerful then an explanation.

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I started to introduce a higher vibration into my life, positive affirmations and a constant reminder of the person I wanted to be. I started to create video journals of my thoughts, and new mindset and publicly shared me being vulnerable online.

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This new mindset opened my eyes to how many other people had been going through such similar things and I was able to help a few people out who was so consumed in darkness they no longer wanted to be here.

 

I started to actively use the 12 Universal Laws of Karma as the guideline to how I wanted my life to go from here on out.

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By stopping excessively using alcohol as a means of masking my feelings was honestly the best thing for me. By introducing a set of guidelines to follow helped me maintain a positively mind set. By regular journaling I was able to stop and reflect and notice subtle changes in my thoughts.